Back home again in Indiana

People say you can't go home. I kind of feel that way myself sometimes, like this really isn't my home anymore. There are so many people that I don't recognize. I'm learning to adapt to life back here in the Hoosier state. I have old friends who are lifesavers.

So here I sit reworking this forgotten blog, while thinking about when to start dinner for my family. I never thought that I would be back here in this position... It's like two steps forward three giant leaps back... Oh the diet... well still on the stress diet, which precludes food from being my friend in any shape way form or fashion... Yuckers.. and I only weight 5 more pounds than I did in high school at this moment in time.

I think, well I know that I will be OK in time. I still am enjoying my chocolate, little bitter sweet but seriously nice. I needed nice for a change. Blissful normalcy for a few mins is awesome to endure... I'm happy with that. I'm still happy with me... I have made mistakes, and probably will continue to do so in my life, but for the most part I am greatful for my loved ones.

When Life Gives You Frogs Make Froglegs

Good morning all you happy go lucky in love people. It is Valentine's Day, and I've spent the weekend wrestling a sick child. I've had a lot to think about this wonderful holiday season. So it prompted a conversation on my facebook page about princes and frogs..With even a toad or two thrown in for good measure. It prompted my friend Paula to state "When life gives you frogs, make froglegs and wash them down with the lemon drop martini's that you made with the lemons life gave you previously." So having likened men to princes and frogs yesterday, I have after careful consideration changed it to Rocky Road Fudge.
As I stepped on the scale this morning as is my usual ritual, I am currently holding steady and have stopped dropping weight. I am also thinking about Lemon Drops now, which I really like because they are sugary, and sweet. I have came to the conclusion, that I am a sugar addict. But not in the sense of food, in the sense of relationships. I love, love the sugary, and syrupy words of admirers. Being told that I am all that and a bag of Doritos makes me feel powerful! This is a frightening revelation.
At one point in time I was made aware by my dear friend Rob, that my mood directly correlates to the status of my relationships. When I am happy in love, the world seems wonderful. Let something go wrong, and the storm of the century brews, stews and the next thing you know we are embroiled in an ice age... It is like climbing a mountain of Rocky Road Fudge... I keep tripping over the nuts, and landing on the marshmallows.
I have fallen for a Marshmallow man once or twice. I'm not talking about a big chubby guy, but the one's who tell you what you want to hear, because they ooze the sugary, syrup out of their mouths like a soda fountain whose head has popped off. These Marshmallow gods are the one's that girls love to believe, handsome, and seemingly sweet. The problem with Marshmallows is they go stale all too fast. You find yourself gritting your teeth going, I can't take another bite of you because your gonna turn me into a diabetic, or worse I'm gonna in up in a sugar induced bordom coma.
Then there are the nuts. Nuts can be incredibly deceptive things. They are supposed to be good for you, packed in protein. They can either be tough to crack, or already unshelled. A special thanks goes out always to the poor previous girl who spent all that time cracking the nut for your enjoyment. Nuts come on strong, or subtle, and come in a variety of flavors, shapes and colors. If it is a bad nut, then it can make you ill. Problem is you usually don't know the nut is bad until after you take a large bite, unlike the marshmallow who you immediately know is stale. The aftereffects of the nut can hang with you for a long time....
Then there is the wave of Chocolate... I prefer my chocolate bittersweet. I like the chocolate guys, the ones who are sweet enough, but bitter enough to know that you are human. They will not constantly shower you with attention, but enough to balance out the bitterness. Chocolates are the right fit for me. I require balance in my life. Adoration, tempered with reality. I have a minor Chocolate addiction right now. Chocolate is complex, and difficult to figure out. It can be a liquid, or solid. It is so much like water, but with all sorts of interesting complex flavors. If you cook it at the wrong temperature you can ruin, a great piece of chocolate.
So having likened men to princes, and frogs yesterday I believe that the fudge analogy is more appropriate. I am currently enjoying my bittersweet chocolate bar, and wondering how long it is going to last, until I run into a nut that will ruin it for me...

Sometimes Walmart Bags Rip

I have been stressed, and not just a little bit a huge amount. I feel like a giant bundle of energy, that is about to discharge in all the wrong directions... Think lightning bolt gone haywire. This is a diet blog, and having said that stress and dieting are a deadly combination. I enjoy food a great deal, but for this evening it is relationships with other people that I shall be discussing, not my lack of eating ability.
I try to always kind of warn people about me a little bit. I am blunt, and sometimes bitingly sarcastic. If I get overwhelmed with emotion, I just fall to pieces sometimes. Smash the piggy bank and you end up with a million pieces that take hours to reglue. When things are going badly, I tend to push the people I care about most away. So when someone deems me a total package I get a little spooked. I liken myself to a walmart bag, and well sometimes when overloaded they rip.
Someone get this damn monkey off my back, because he keeps throwing feces at the people I care about. I am actually a really loving person. When I care, it tends to be too much to the point that I become a master mason, and begin building walls so high that no one can climb into my heart. Once they do get in though, you know the special ones with that key I have a hard time letting them back out. Damn I brick back up the hole so fast they are covered in morter before they know what hit them. I'm pretty sure in my wall, there are a few skeletons of bricked up men.
I can be cold, and vicious when I'm hurt. Hydrochloric acid is less caustic than I can be when offended. I don't mean to flip on the razor blade personality, and I tend to try to protect myself at all costs and brick up any hole in the wall as quickly as possible. But ladies there is a current hole in my defense. It sucks, I am not very thrilled with caring about someone of the male species. I enjoy my mantra, "Never like something so much that you can't live without it" But then again look where that particular meditation has gotten me?
My friend Rob kind of summed it up for me once in that he told me that I have a hard time being with someone outside of my comfort zone, and I'll attempt to self sabotage it. My comfort zone is usually mentally abusive assholes who could really give a rip about me. Boy I hate it went a man is right...self punishment is a forte. A man that is correct most of the time is about as common as a 2 headed peacock. I have been in sabotage mode today, and it sucks. I believe in myself, love myself, and have a really hard time allowing good people to love me back. I thought I had gotten past it but maybe not... I tell myself that I'm good enough, but a big portion of me feels like the girl who gets picked last, or the wallflower who never gets to dance at the high school dance.. and I really like to dance.
So here I sit, kind of feeling sorry for myself that I am an emotional basket case sometimes, and really hoping that I obtain forgiveness and didn't screw up something that is important to me too badly...

Ah, the stress diet

Let's talk about stress baby. I am a stress dieter, I have figured this much out about myself. Stress makes food undesirable to me, period. So I start losing scary amounts of weight at alarming rates. I am also an adrenaline junkie. For those of you who know me, I know it is quite hard to believe. Being fueled by adrenaline my energy levels bounce around more than the ping pong balls on Captain Kangaroo...

So being slightly under stress currently, the handsome sous chef, and I have parted company, I am rapidly losing weight again, due to lack of appetite. Wow, that was a run on sentence. It is even effecting my ability to grasp the English language. Although I love food in all of it's many forms, I am currently not really able to eat so well. I do notice though that after x number of days of a fast that clarity of thought comes into play. I start to feel like some sort of shaman on a quest for truth and justice. The anger issues begin to mount also, so there in a bit of the ninja pirate in me. Ah, if only I had a pink eye patch, and a kitana.

So here I sit, a bundle of energy right now, and wanting to go take on a brave new world. I am thinking that this is the first time in a long time that I have been in the mood to divide my mental clutter, and conquer. I feel good despite the lack of nutrients, and sleep.

I will miss parts of sous chef, but lets face it sometimes you just have to face the reality that you are worth so much more. I was, and am worth more. I have my moments because I'm human, but as of right now I am happy with myself. I am priceless.

Going to be tired tonight

Ok, so I admit it. I'm exhausted. My normally positive son, that would be the tween, came up to me in the kitchen, and said "Your eyes are telling me that your tired mommy" Ouch, the diet is going well I suppose, but it is a little tedious at times. I am becoming a little worn out. I am losing weight, but at what cost?

I don't dislike the food, the things I am missing though are some vegetables that I love. I don't really usually eat a lot of meat so the past nine days have seemed more like a meat feast, than the last bar I walked into. So here I sit, eating my snack of ricotta cheese, splenda, and cocoa powder. I mixed it myself to get my chocolate fix. Yesterday I came up with a way to make low carb honey mustard dressing. I was proud of myself.

I will continue to stay on the plan for now. I have a mission, and a goal. I just have decided that I don't enjoy feeling and looking tired!

I've lost track of days

I have officially lost track of my days. This happens to me more often than naught, but I can see a difference in my body. Little changes, here and there. I'm perfectly OK with slow, and steady. I'm continuing on the path. I have eaten more frequently than I would have before, perhaps this is really the key. It seems as if I am eating a lot of food, but with exception of the meat pie fiasco I am losing weight, and parts of me are getting stronger. This is a short blog today, I have some research to do into foods that replace collagen in the skin.

The Natchitoches Meat Pie Incident

So I skipped yesterday, in order to spend more time with my family. I cooked, and did some laundry. Went to Wal-mart twice in one day, and finally while driving home my significant other says "I have the recipe for Natchitoches Meat Pies." So this prompts me to say " What's in them?" He replies "I don't know, I need the recipe" I by this time am confused as all hell.... "You need the recipe, but I thought you had it? " Replies the S.O. "No I said I needed to get a recipe"


Ah the joys of driving with my deaf ear turned toward him... I quickly whip out the handy I-phone.. so how do you spell it? It is pronounced Nack a tish... according to him, but he rambles out a spelling that doesn't even resemble that word. The man secretly takes delight in knowing that words from Louisiana totally confuse my Hoosier brain. "So please spell it again?" As I repeat slowly "Na..tch..i..toc....h..e.s." Wow, that looks odd to me... By this time S.O. is looking at me with a smirk that would put The Cheshire Cat to shame, "That is what I said Nackatish, how would you pronounce it?" Of course, I would try to pronounce it "Natch i toe sush" which would have been all wrong.


So reading this recipe for the deep fried pies, it includes lard. Not shortening, but honest to goodness pig fat lard. Holy crap, this is death in a meat pie. The meat filling for the pies is actually not a horribly unhealthy combination. Being familiar with Louisiana cooking, I recognized the trinity as ingredients, as well as the delicious Cajun spice combinations. So I agree to make the heart attack in your hand for dinner. I also adamantly swear my lips shall not partake of this particular concoction. It contains things that are sinful to my diet, and body. Gluten, and pig fat, and calories, OH MY!


The ingredients are gathered together, during an ice storm. I think he must really be craving these badly to brave the grocery in an ice storm, but this could be erroneous because he also has testosterone coursing through his veins, and a jeep to play in on the ice. Back he comes with an armload of things, but no pig fat. Have to settle for shortening, and of course I don't have this particular ingredient in my pantry... Grease has no place in my kitchen, I prefer olive oil. What am I going to do with all this artery clogging grease.


I set to task, with my handy, handsome Sous Chef at my side. He makes a killer vegetable chopper, and is way better to look at than the food processor. The meat, and spice blend perfumes the little house. I am reminding myself the entire time to stay strong in my resolve, and not touch the meat pie once assembled. I taste the filling, and it is the pungent Cajun flavor that I have come to love over the years. It is a frying pan full of yummy goodness. Convincing myself that the meat and veggie part isn't unhealthy to taste sets me on the path for destruction.


I begin to assemble the pastry portion. No pig fat, cut in the shortening, and roll out the dough. I begin muttering this is an empanada, just Cajun style. By the time I'm ready Sous Chef, has prepared the fryer, and the first pie goes into the grease with a sizzle. A few minutes later it has emerged golden, and looking fair food yummy. The teenager is used as the guinea pig, and he gobbles it down, with mustard. I'm sure mustard is sacrilege, but the child uses mustard on everything he eats. The teen nods approvingly, so onto the tween of the house.


As the sleepy tween emerges from his cave, lured away from WOW by the scent of potential food. I notice that his eyes glaze at the sight of the pocket placed before him. I personally am hoping he just thinks that it is a hot pocket that we have warmed in the microwave. He takes an initial bite, and declares it "Delicious" Tween then goes on to say "So this is Louisiana food, too, huh it isn't bad" Sous Chef is slightly offended, and defends the cuisine of his home state with a " Have I fed you anything from Louisiana that wasn't good?" Tween does not respond, he is busy stuffing his face with his third meat pie...


I meanwhile am still trying to stay strong in my resolve to not eat any of this heart attack inducing, badness in pastry dough. I hear the voice of my beloved "Sometimes you just have to say screw it, and eat something just because it tastes good" Diet saboteur, that is what he is, and so I do the deed. I eat a meat pie. As it is going to my lips, my insides scream "What the hell do you think you are doing to us?" The brain then overruled them all screaming back "Shut up, and enjoy the pie" I did enjoy it, and I have to say it was incredibly good.


S.O. looks up, and says "What are you eating? A meat pie? Thought you weren't going to touch those, and stay on your diet?" Ugh! I think a few obligatory curse words to myself, and a few hours, and meat pies later, I am worried what the heck are the scales going to look like tomorrow? To my surprise this morning, I have lost a pound. I attribute this to working out, and increasing my metabolism. So I enjoyed a meat pie, and it didn't kill me. I am happier for trying them, and happy that I didn't swell up like a balloon afterwards.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natchitoches_meat_pie

Energy level is low....

Now I am reading that a lot of people feel their energy soar on the SB diet, I am not one of those people. I am currently exhausted... Wow, I completed day three yesterday. Took a walk to pay my bills, that was around three miles. I have not felt like going to the gym all weekend. But I have worked out here at home. Stepped on the scale I have lost 7 pounds, but it seems too fast. I don't know if that is where my energy level is going? I need to get back to the gym today, I miss the gym. Perhaps my Sketchers are helping too? I'm not sure gonna tweek this plan and see if I can rearrange some high energy good before the next time I work out... Bluck.

Reflections on day two

So I woke up this morning, and stepped on the scale. I'm down 6 pounds in the first 2 days. Now I have a gluten allergy, as well as PMDD going on, so I'm not really sure if it's the diet or the other two issues having been a little better at the moment. I am currently happy with the 6 pound loss on paper but I notice my energy level is lacking something special. So I just really am not going to write that much today, but remark that hopefully tomorrow my energy level will be soaring!

Reflections on day one

Woke up yesterday in a very foul mood indeed. I felt like I had the entire weight of every mistake, or misstep that I had ever made on my head pressing down like a 50 pound barbell. Work the prior night had been long, and while I thought my new Sketcher Shape Ups would put some exciting spring into my step, I just felt worn to a frazzle by the end of the night. Hence the morning wake up call of negativity, and just plain bad feelings.

So shaky, and nervous I combed through my books, and articles to figure out my first day's menu. I stood in the kitchen, and prepared my days meals. Eating 6 times a day is difficult for me, but preparing meals so that I could follow this plan seemed tedious. I'm not gonna candy coat things here, either literally or figuratively tedious is the truth. Standing in the kitchen for 3 hours is not my idea of a good time when I'm nervous. I do enjoy cooking, but not when I'm cranky. I settled on my meal plan, and got down to business.

I made my breakfast an egg casserole, with peppers, and mushrooms. It tasted pretty good, and looked appealing. It was also 11 year old approved. For a snack it was cherry tomatoes, and a string of mozzarella. I went on to making a curried soup. I had found the chili recipe, and since I don't really like meat all that well I modified it, and made it curry instead. Plus it cut out the tomatoes, I swapped those for a few peppadews. Snack for the PM was a few almonds. Then dinner, I made a sugar free dressing for a salad, made some steak, and cauliflower mashed potatoes. Whew, by then it was time to get ready for work. I barely had time to squeeze in a quick workout.

I placed my parcels of South Beach goodies, into a giant walmart bag. This much food would not fit into a conventional lunchbox. I looked like a bag lady walking into a five star restaurant asking people for change.

Reality is we have fantastic food at work, this is why so many people who come to work there gain weight. The employee packet should come with a hazard sticker, warning you will chub up due to very rich, and decadent morsels of goodness. It is a trap, and a pitfall. As much as you try to keep it healthy the cheesecake, and creme brulee lure you in the next thing you know the scale is an enemy, and the kitchen staff look like minor demons in white and black checkers.

So I did pretty well my first day, it was difficult forcing myself to eat when I wasn't hungry. Dinner was a challenge because of the steak so I only ate a very small portion of it, but the cauliflower was good. The ricotta, and chocolate dessert got half eaten, as well as the salad. All in all day one was successful.

I will begin today with the knowledge that my nervous nature yesterday stems from my monthly bout of PMDD... note to self increase soy intake for the natural estrogen, and do streching exercise during my daily mediation.

Counting down till the beginning.

I am Blogging now, wow. I have never been good at keeping journals, but I have committed myself to this. I need to become healthy. No not just externally healthy, but internally also. I have had many setbacks in life, "Who hasn't?" Good question really who hasn't had setbacks, little rocks in the path that you stumble across, and scrape your knee. My setbacks have not only been of the knee scraping variety, but full fledged emergency room trips.

I do not, repeat that do not feel sorry for myself. Adversity has given me a unique perspective, I see things in many different facets. I can be bitchy, as well as soft, and an lovely. This is my journey to happiness. If you choose to read these words, then fabulous. Perhaps you can relate to me, my life, my little spiritual journey to Nirvana?

I have recently began a pretty interesting exercise program with my friend Brandi. I have noticed that instead of losing weight that the scale is inching upwards. I feel healthier for it though, and am having a blast. I am tracking my cardio, and strength training. It again is fun to do something different.

Tomorrow I am starting the South Beach Diet as an experiment for my health, as well as getting back to meditation. Perhaps I can turn some negatives into some fantastic positives